Gee, I just saw that Paul Belien quoted me too.
Yesterday I had an epiphany. The bad signs from the people I had previously put hope in had piled up, and yesterday came the last blow that made the picture complete. I opened a bottle of wine and called my best friend. I described the full picture to her, and the futility of it all, and how I had come to a closure. Then I finished the bottle of wine while writing my "I'm an island" post. I've been thinking for a while about how to formulate a hiatus or goodbye post, not really knowing what I wanted, It's not until I get filled with a decisive emotion that I know what to do and what to write, such as it happened to me yesterday. The emotion was "I'm out of here", "I'm gonna disconnect", and that allowed me for spilling it out. A paradox, the decision not to write any more made me write.
At the core theme of this post was my disconnection and strong criticism of my blogroll shortlist blogs (the ones I read regularly): View from the Right, Brussels Journal, and Gates of Vienna. And within 24 hours they all link and quote me favorably. The quote at Gates of Vienna is by Fjordman (whom I didn't put under much heat, but I did the site of GoV). Even Lawrence Auster writes nicely about me, he's even trying to be helpful in finding me a new moniker. He doesn't go nuts as the last time. And this in spite of me presenting mush stronger and more devastating criticism of him than last time, and directed exclusively at him and not at Jim Kalb. And now Paul Belien. Gee guys, can't you leave me alone! :-)
During my summer break much has been going through my mind. I have rearranged my life and job situation, so now I don't have time to blog anymore. I have filled my life with other things. So don't encourage me! Why is it that these people who I criticize, and lately even want to detach from, are the ones the find me interesting and refer to me favourably? I'm not saying they like me, but it's clear that they appreciate me and find me interesting. My secret dream had always been to have an audience of secular liberals (or rather non-believing ordinary people). They are the ones that should be ripe for the purge of the last elements of Christianity that I'd like to offer--I thought. But no show. Instead I get the Christian pro-Americans. Misunderstand me right here. I think you are great people. But when I was still full of weltschmerz and blogging lust I had the idea of a Tordesillas kind of demarcation line across the Atlantic Ocean leaving the for the Americans to attempt to reinstall the Christian God, while the Europeans should be pushed out of Christianity altogether. The latter one I considered my domain. But no show.
The appreciative responses I've got has come disproportionally from Christian Americans or pro-Americans. Yet another paradox. Does this mean I have to reevaluate my view? Or should I just accept that the world is full of paradoxes? I often wondered recently: Why does Lawrence Auster link and comment upon my posts? I just have this mini-blog that nobody would care about otherwise. He could easily just have ignored me. The same with Paul Belien. Everytime I write something strongly critical about him he links and quotes from that post (even though he doesn't quote those parts). Then it strikes me how they are just lonely alienated guys, just like I am. Driven by curiosity, constantly searching searching. Wanting to bring things to the surface in order to find answers. Of course we have a lot in common!
Back to my secret plan. The post-Christian seculars should be ridiculed out of their Christian ethics. Since they despise Christianity so much I figured that constantly pointing out to them how they act like priestly Christians, yes even Christian fanatics, would be the way of purging them of their slave morality. Someone should draw a cartoon called "The Leftist" featuring monk-looking figures running around like anti-globalist in the street throwing stones--exposing their fanaticism and superstition.
I've been called a prima donna and yes I am. I'm a sensitive soul, and my process of thinking takes quantum leaps by periods of passionate devotion, when I'm all possessed by the fervor. It gets started when I see an anomaly in a picture and a new period of fervor is launched, trying to find a perspective from which to set the picture right. And yes there is pain an agony in these periods. So please don't encourage me!
I'm never going to be anything even close to a poet. My mind is far too square for that. But apart from this, the following quote of Kirkegaard struck a chord within me already as a young man:
What is a poet? An unhappy man who conceals profound anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so fashioned that when sighs and groans pass over them they sound like beautiful music. His fate resembles that of the unhappy men who were slowly roasted by a gentle fire in the tyrant Phalaris' brazen bull—their shrieks could not reach his ear to terrify him, to him they sounded like sweet music. And people flock about the poet and say to him: do sing again; Which means, would that new sufferings tormented your soul, and: would that your lips stayed fashioned as before, for your cries would only terrify us, but your music is delightful. And the critics join them, saying: well done, thus must it be according to the laws of aesthetics. Why, to be sure, a critic resembles a poet as one pea another, the only difference being that he has no anguish in his heart and no music on his lips. Behold, therefore would I rather be a swineherd on Amager and be understood by the swine than a poet, and misunderstood by men.My words would strike people as structures of angular metal rather than anything like the sweet music described above. But it's equally true that the day my soul is no more tormented with new sufferings I would have nothing more to write. And even if I did, I wouldn't know where to start. Not without a decisive emotion driving me. And I actually do not want to do this, I'm looking for a way out. Right now I looking to be a swineherd among swines.
Update: Hmm. I just remembered. A similar thing happened two months ago. Calling the same friend. Likewise declaring that this is it, that I will quit blogging. During my period as Christian civilizationist I had made good friends with great people. I knew, and at this point I felt strongly, how my strong criticism of Christian ethics and the Vatican II would forever change the nature of my friendship with these people. I could see clearly that the phantasmagorian answers I would get in return would make me lose my respect for them, and that to them I'd be a henchman of the evil side. I felt strongly that it wasn't worth it. That friendship is more important than politics. But in the nakedness of this certainty, when relaxing in the completion of the decision, that inner voice appeared saying "No!". And I wrote my series of five articles about Catholicism in one go.
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